


Mockingbirds

by Dierony



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jean and Armin are kind of paranoid, Jearmin - Freeform, Jearmin Summer Splash, M/M, Major Manga Spoilers, sort of???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 18:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4574667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dierony/pseuds/Dierony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(For the 2015 Jearmin Summer Splash: Prompt: "The duty of youth is to challenge corruption")<br/>Armin and Jean worry what they will turn into over time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mockingbirds

It was late. Later than Armin had any business being up, if he was to be completely honest with himself. The previous day's events had left everyone drained, and it seemed now, with all the business with the titans in the Walls...it didn't seem like he or anyone else would have many chances for a brief respite from their duties as soldiers in the Survey Corps anytime soon. 

Armin kept these thoughts in mind, but they were eventually overcome by his overwhelming need to see someone first. And if his suspicions were correct, this someone wouldn't be asleep either.

"Jean?" He murmured quietly into the door, just loudly enough to be heard by the boy inside. Hearing his name answered just as quietly in response, he slowly creaked the door open, flinching at the loud squeal its hinges gave, then slinking into the room as soon as the door allowed enough space for him to walk through. He carefully shut the door before softly padding his way over to Jean's bed, seating himself at the edge.

Jean had been sitting up when he entered, his back leaning against the headboard and his arms resting against his curled up knees. The window of the room was open, letting in a soft, cool breeze and a brilliant white ray of moonlight that illuminated Jean's face perfectly. All was silent in the dead of night, until Armin spoke again is his quiet tone.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"  
"No." Jean reassured him, a small smile finding its way onto his face. "I can't really sleep, anyways. It's not like we've been through some traumatic experience, huh?"  
Armin smiled a bit at that, but soon enough both of their faces fell into solemn expressions.  
"Do you...want to talk about it?"  
Jean huffed. "What, our failure of a mission, finding out one of our comrades from training was a traitor, or whatever the fuck is going on with the walls?"  
Armin sighed softly, his hands gripping the edge of the bed tightly.  
"Sorry. Stupid question, I guess."  
Jean shook his head slowly, giving his own sigh in response.  
"No, I'm sorry. It's just...a lot to deal with."  
"I know."

The two sat in silence for a few more moments, thinking in silence and listening to the other's breath. At least Jean was still here, Armin thought, At least he's not gone.

"Armin? Are you okay? You've got a weird expression on your face."  
"Just thinking."  
"Don't do too much of that. This is all a bit much to handle at once."  
Armin bit down lightly on his lip, mapping everything out in his head. Thinking about all that had happened since he joined with the Survey Corps was a bit dizzying. How he could've gone from a fresh recruit to a soldier who had already been in three battles, had already lost so many people, was beyond him. He brought himself back to the present, not wanting to dwell on those things too much. There would be plenty of time for that later, after all.

"I actually wanted to ask you something, if you don't mind."  
Jean grunted as lifted himself off the headboard, swinging his legs over the side of the bed so that he was sitting directly next to Armin.  
"Shoot."  
"Do you remember during the campaign when we were trying to get to Shiganshina? When we were told to wait up in those huge trees?"  
As Jean nodded, Armin thought that the expedition wouldn't be easy to forget. He could still latch onto that moment, feel the branches of the tree he had taken refuge in beneath his feet, smell the forest and the gas from the 3DMG, hear the groans from the titans down below.  
"What about it?"  
"I was just thinking about what you said. About the Commander."  
Jean groaned loudly at that, his mouth twisting into a sneer.  
"Armin, I told you I was just joking about that. Blowing off steam. It was kind of a stressful environment."  
"I know that. It just...got me thinking, is all."  
"I thought you were always thinking." Jean said, his smirk returning as he leaned over a little closer to Armin. Armin gave him a small, good natured smile, which fell quickly as he continued to voice what had been gnawing at him.  
"We've come really far for recruits, don't you think? Before we could even graduate, we had that battle in Trost. We had the expedition towards Shiganshina not long after that, and then the battle between Eren and the Female Titan just days ago. We've found out that Annie was a titan, and there could be more like her in the system. We've lost people. And...when I think about how our superiors behave, how...hard they've had to become over the years. If we've become like this right out of training, what are we going to look like in a year? A decade?"  
Armin's words sank in heavily with the silence that filled the room. Armin could feel Jean's tension rolling off of him, he could see his knuckles turn white as his fists clenched together. Jean's face was hard and unyielding as he glared into the dark corners of the small bedroom.  
"I don't like thinking about that." He answered after a few minutes, his voice gruff and husky. "We don't even know if we'll last that long."  
"See, that's the thing. It's not even the idea of dying that scares me so much. It's losing sight of things, of becoming so cold. That idea makes me feel nauseus."  
"What, becoming like me?"  
Armin had never been good at recognizing a joke when he heard one, and while this time he was sure Jean had tried to mean it lightheartedly, he couldn't tell if there was an underlying seriousness in his tone.  
"You're not like that." Armin assured him, looking up at him and scooting just the tiniest bit closer to him. "You're anything but that."  
"You don't know that." Jean said, shaking his head with a grim expression. "When you were injured, and my horse was missing, I was spending all that time trying to decide who we should leave behind. I was deciding who should live and who should die, Armin."  
"...I was, too." Armin murmured, his voice even softer as he looked down at his feet. "I was so caught up with the plans, I couldn't even take time to feel remorse for trying to decide something like that. It was only when the dust settled I realized it."

More silence filled the room as the pair contemplated more. It was Jean who eventually broke the silence.  
"What's wrong with us?" He said with a short, mirthless chuckle. Armin could only shake his head wordlessly, his face blank.  
"Something's gone wrong inside of us, I think. But it's hard to tell what's responsible for it."  
"There are a lot of things we could blame." Jean was beginning to return to his original position, stretching his legs along the length of the bed.  
"Imagine how corrupted we'll be when we're older, at this rate."  
"Don't use that word." Jean said as he scowled. "We're still young, anyways. Happy, fresh-faced youth."  
As Armin didn't respond, he sighed and patted the area of bed next to him, scooting closer to the wall.  
"C'mere. I don't think either of us is going to be getting much sleep with those kinds of thoughts in our heads."  
After a brief's moments consideration, Armin decided he might as well. Jean was right, after all, and he had to admit, the idea of spending a little more time with Jean right now was very appealing. He pulled his legs up so that they were parallel to Jean's and lowered his back down onto the mattress, enjoying the warmth emanating through Jean's shoulder and side. For now, this was nice, but there were still thoughts that wouldn't leave his head.

***

It had been days. Mere days since Trost when their group stood on that wall. Armin remembered how warm it had been. A pleasant breeze had been blowing, ruffling his hair and bringing in the sweet smell of the forest. He remembered how the afternoon sunlight felt on his skin. He remembered Reiner and Bertholdt's expressions as they transformed.

So much had happened between them. Armin was thanking whatever gods there were that Eren had been returned to them, and and that Jean and Mikasa were relatively unharmed from the battlefield. They had all regrouped and been sent out into hiding with the Corporal, and at this point, none of them were really sure what was going on, or what was going to happen. An air of uncertainty, of fear, had been distilling across the house they had set up camp in since they arrived. It was a stale and yet potent feeling, one that left Armin reeling if he thought too much about it. It was enough to realize that they now knew who the Colossal Titan and the Armored Titan were. They had been among them the whole time...the titans who broke Wall Maria, destroyed his home as he watched, and were responsible for all the loss he and his family had endured. He had been close friends with Bertholdt, and recalled a memory of them when they were younger when a fight between two trainees had broken out in the barracks. It was blocked by a tall fence, as well as the people who had crowded among the two trainees, so Armin couldn't see a thing. Bertholdt, the tallest of all of them, was able to see the details and relay the information to Armin, who was worried it might've been Jean and Eren again (It hadn't been. Their fights were a distant memory now, and although they were distressing at the time, Armin could only feel sad at the relatively light-hearted memory. Their fights these days were a lot heavier). Armin had looked up to Reiner so much, hell, everyone had. Reiner had even saved them from the Female Titan...although looking back on it, he wasn't really saving them at all, was he. The idea that those boys everyone else had been friends with had the power to kill them easily made Armin want to throw up. He needed to either completely forget about it or find an outlet. And since the first option was obviously out of the question, Armin made his way to examining the second.

"Wait. Let me guess: You wanna talk."

Armin gave Jean a small smile as he sat down in the chair next to him. Everything was quiet: Levi, Eren, Sasha, and Krista-wait, it was Historia now-were nowhere to be found, as they had presumably gone to bed for the night. Mikasa and Connie were on guard duty, leaving the house silent save for the crackling of the small fire. 

"Surprise, surprise." 

Jean heaved a sigh that was heavy with stress and hurt as he turned into Armin a bit, their shoulders resting comfortably against one another.

"We all have shitty luck, huh? The last time we did this was after the event in Sina...somehow, this is even worse."

"I don't...I'm not even sure who to trust anymore."

"Thinking like that's dangerous, Armin."

"Trusting people is too, apparently."

Jean flinched at that, and Armin remembered he had been friends with the two boys as well. 

"Sorry. It's just...how many of us that joined the Survey Corps are who we really say we are? Those two...Ymir and Krista..." Armin placed a hand to his temple, rubbing at the skin tiredly. "I can still remember when we were all friends. When we were young."

"The fucked up thing is we're still young." Jean grunted. ''We're not old men yet."

"We've been through enough, though, we might as well be."

After a few minutes of weighty silence, Jean finally seemed to decide something. Armin blinked in confusion as Jean grasped his shoulders and turned Armin towards him. Reflecting the bit of light coming from the fire in the corner, his eyes were practically glowing like golden embers. Armin didn't want to think about anything else but those eyes staring at him.

"Okay. If this makes it any better for you, I promise that I, Jean Kirschstein, am nothing but a completely ordinary boy who doesn't even know what the fuck is going on. I am not a traitor, I'm not royalty, I'm not a fucking farm animal in disguise. What you see is what I am."

Armin giggled a little at his declaration, but still felt his heart clench at his promise. It wasn't much to go on, but if there was anyone outside of Eren and Mikasa he would trust, it would be Jean.

"I promise, too. Nothing strange about me."

Jean's smile held a touch of bittersweetness in it as he did something Armin wouldn't have expected and leaned forward, his hands still on Armin's shoulders, and closed the gap between them. Jean's lips tasted salty and felt warm and firm against his, Armin thought before his mind went blank and he began kissing Jean back, leaning into Jean's body and tenderly placing his hands on either side of Jean's face. As the two broke apart for breath, they stayed huddled together, savoring the moment in a world that wouldn't give them many other moments like it. Moving seemingly in unison, they rested their foreheads against each other, Jean's hands having moved down to grasp Armin's.

"We should go to bed." Armin said after a few minutes. "I know Connie's going to have you take his watch when he's done."

"Later."

"Jean, you need some rest."

"I want to stay here. I want to stay here with you."

"We're still young." Armin whispered softly. "We've got time."

***

The acidic taste of vomit lingered in Armin's mouth.

Right after he had shot the woman, everything felt perfectly normal to Armin-Well, maybe normal wasn't the best word for it. He still had the adrenaline rush from trying to get out of the city alive coursing through him, which didn't give him time to even think about the gravity of his actions.  
Getting back to their base safely, however, did.

Upon their return, Armin had suddenly been stricken with shaking knees and an upset stomach-Hence, the vomit. Throwing up outside the barn made the physical pain a little better, but didn't do much for the aggressively overwhelming guilt and shock that had hit him like a sledgehammer. Mikasa had offered him comfort, and even Corporal Levi had had something to say about it, and while Armin knew that both of them were most likely right, the guilt stayed with him like the ugly taste in his mouth. He had almost wished that he hadn't shot the woman: He would've been willing to go back in time if it made him feel any better, but if he hadn't done what he did, it was likely Jean wouldn't be with them now: A prospect far more unappealing than the one he was facing now. 

No, Armin thought as he leaned against Jean, both of them bruised, battered, and thoroughly exhausted, He wouldn't feel guilty anymore. He was a soldier now, not an idealistic child. It was like he said to Annie: Shooting the woman did not make him a bad person, not in anyone's eyes except their enemies. Good was a point of view, and since he had saved Jean, he could at least feel better about knowing that he was utterly on Jean's side. This whole event had brought them even closer together, and it was alarming at how readily Armin was ready to kill for Jean's sake.

"I'm sorry." Jean mumbled as nuzzled the part of Armin's head that rested against his. Armin tiredly shifted his weight against him, muttering a "Why?" in response.

"If I had been quicker...if I hadn't hesitated...you wouldn't have had to shoot her. You wouldn't be feeling like this right now."

"Jean..." Armin's eyes were big as he looked up at him, sitting up and taking Jean's chin carefully in his hand, turning his face to look straight at him. "If you had shot her, you would be feeling the same thing. Worse, even, since you saw her face. I imagine seeing their faces makes it worse."

Jean nodded slowly, still looking apologetic. Armin reached his hands down to their laps and clasped them together. Jean's hands were warm and comfortable, and Armin relished in the fact that he was still here. Jean was still here.

"You're alive. I'm alive. That's all that should matter at this point."

"But it still doesn't feel good, does it?"

"No. It doesn't, and things like this never will. But it feels a thousand times better than seeing you suffer...seeing you die would." Armin sighed deeply as he turned Jean's hands over. They were rough and calloused from years of 3DMG usage, with scratches and lines blending together like some elaborate wood carving. The pulse on his wrist was strong and steady, the most comforting rhythm Armin could imagine. No, Jean dying would be worse than anything.

"I killed for you. And someday, you might kill for me. It's not a pleasant thought, but it's better than the alternative. Right?"

At this, Jean nodded without hesitation, and Armin thought once more on their conversation in Stohess so long ago. 

"God, this is ridiculous. Back in our training days, who would've thought we'd end up like this?" Jean said with a nervous chuckle. Armin gave him a weary smile.  
"I guess we're growing up."  
"If this is what growing up feels like, I think I'd like to stay young forever."

Armin, too, gave a small chuckle at that, even if it was only half-hearted. 

"Well, find us a fountain of youth and we'll stay young and happy forever."

After a few minutes of gazing at each other, their smiles fell into more solemn expressions. Jean wrapped his arms around Armin's back, drawing him close to his body and gently kissing the crown of his head.

"I love you, Armin." Jean finally said, his voice strained, but sincere.

"I love you too, Jean."

"I will kill for you, you know. If the time ever comes."

"I know."

Their strained voices quieted as they held each other in the waning evening light. It was getting colder, but Jean's body heat kept the autumn chill from Armin. It was the comforting kind of heat that let you know the other was alive, that you were both alive and together and nothing could take you apart.

"Does this make us awful people?"

"No." Armin murmured into his chest. "It just means we're doing what we have to."

**Author's Note:**

> It is so short and I didn't know what to do with the title oh no  
> Voting for this fic in the comments would be really cool, though!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who helped organize this, and everyone on both teams, Canon and AU!
> 
> Prompt: "The duty of youth is to challenge corruption"  
> Team: Canon
> 
> On a scale of 1 to 10:
> 
> 1\. How in character was my fic?  
> 2\. How well did my fic handle the prompt?  
> 3\. Overall enjoyment?


End file.
